l.o.v.e.

the problem with my insane schedule is that it doesn't allow me much time to update this thing. even when i do write here on a weekly basis, my entries are already pages long. now that it's been three weeks, you can imagine that i have A LOT to say. so, my advice to you: get comfortable. go grab yourself something to drink. and then come back here. a lot has been happening...

love. 

it's a tricky little sucker, isn't it? how is it that love is capable of causing such deep pain, but it can also bring such an abundance of happiness? i think i used to spend a lot of time acknowledging love only when i wasn't feeling any. maybe it's only after feeling the pain that love can cause that you can truly appreciate the happiness it can bring, as well. and that has been the story of my life these past three weeks. i've felt so much love these past few weeks - and i know that it is God answering my prayers. it's easy to say that we know God loves us, but don't you have days where you just don't really feel very loved? because i do. and so i just asked God to help me to FEEL His love. so that i wouldn't just know that it's there, but i would FEEL its presence. and...wow. my prayer was answered. above and beyond what i could have ever expected:

week 5 was prayer week: always a turning point in the school. it is an intense week of 24/5 prayer - we have our whole group together from 8am-1pm and 7pm-10pm on monday through friday for corporate prayer and worship times. when we're not doing that, each person is placed in a small group, which is given a two hour prayer slot each day. during this week, there are at least five people on the DTS that are praying through every single hour of every single day. it is amazing. it is powerful. and it is exhausting. i had prayer slots from 12am - 2am and some from 4am-6am. we are all pretty burned out by the end of the week, but walls are torn down and chains are broken and i'd stay up to pray at all hours of the day and night for weeks and weeks on end just to see lives changed right in front of my eyes as i saw during those five days. every day we saw new breakthroughs in both the students and the staff. 

we spent three consecutive hours praying for people - as student after student went to the front of the room by choice, asking for prayer for various struggles, addictions and strongholds that they wanted to be freed from. 

i cried tears of absolute joy as one of my "one-on-one" students that i had been struggling with at the beginning of the school - questioning where her heart was at and what her motives were for being here - stood up in front of the entire school and shared a verse and words that God had put on her heart before asking for prayer. God did SO MUCH in her heart during prayer week, it brings me so much happiness to watch her step out and share the things that God is teaching her. 

and then there were my own personal experiences throughout the week. it was a hard week. at the beginning of the week, i often found myself asking God where He was. i was particularly focused on cori and jeff during that week, and i couldn't figure out where God was in that mess! i was frustrated. we had all been praying for SO LONG and i didn't feel like God was showing Himself in their situation. i spent an entire night sobbing on my knees because i realized that i didn't fully trust God. i didn't fully trust that certain situations would ever really work out and i didn't think i'd ever be at peace with those situations. that was a painfully humbling evening. i asked God to show me how to trust Him. i asked God to show His love for me through others, as i was feeling particularly confused and alone. and God spoke. a lot. 

i wrote pages in my journal of what i know is God's response to my questions and fears and confusion. He spoke to me about how much he loves me - unconditionally. and the very next morning, He answered my "WHERE ARE YOU???" question. loud and clear, He spoke:

"LOOK AT ME, MALLORY. I HAVE BEEN RIGHT HERE. 

You ask where my hand is in Cori and Jeff's situation. Look at me. I'm working in their lives. They haven't gone hungry. They have a roof over their head. They even still have luxuries that others live without. And, most importantly, they still have joy in their lives. There is still laughter and happiness that fills their home. That's me. Your prayers haven't been answered in the way you think they should - but look deeper. I am right here. I'm here. Acknowledge that. Know it. And know that I'm not done. 

I'M RIGHT HERE. and I'm working." 

I don't know why it took me so long to see that. I don't know why I was being so selfish and blind to the situation. But, wait. There's more...

At the beginning of the week, God told me that I needed to forgive Ed. For those of you who don't know, Ed was Jeff's "employer" that drew them into some very serious financial problems. And then left. I laughed when the thought of forgiving him first came to my head. That was the craziest idea in the WORLD. But God didn't let me forget it. On Thursday night there was a corporate worship/prayer time. The room was filled with people and the worship band was playing and we were all just sort of doing our own thing. There is an "open mic" set up during the entire week, and it is open for people to speak out whenever they felt lead. 

I put up a fight, and I lost. I was being lead to speak out...

I went to the front of the packed room, sat down in a chair and grabbed the microphone. I went on to tell the story of my sister/best friend and their painful story. I told them what Ed had done. I told them how much it has affected Cori and Jeff and their family. I told them how much it affected our entire family. And then I told them that I knew God wanted me to forgive Ed. And even though I wrote it off as a ridiculous idea at the beginning of the week - I prayed that God would give me the strength to genuinely forgive him. And as I sat there in front of fifty or so incredible Christians, I finally felt like I could truly forgive the man that had done this to my family. I have no idea where this man is right now...I've never even met him. But reading aloud the note I wrote him would really confirm my forgiveness towards him...and so that's what I did. Through massive, massive, massive amounts of tears, I read this letter out loud:

Dear Ed,

You don't know me. We've never met. But you've affected my life in monumental ways. I've spent a lot of time hating you. Hating you for the pain and suffering you have put my sister through. Hating you for what you've done to my brother-in-law. HATING you for the ways in which you've jeopardized the wellness of Jude and Brody's upbringing. Cori and Jeff have spent week after week not knowing where their grocery money would come from. Or how they would afford diapers. Or gas. 

You've changed the lives of my entire family forever. And I don't know why you did this. I don't know why you took advantage of Jeff and his trusting heart. I don't know why you've done this to a young family. An innocent family. 

But I need to forgive you. I need to forgive you for robbing Cori and Jeff of their money. For throwing them into bankruptcy. For never paying Jeff for his work. For putting all of those new trucks in his name - making them his responsibility. For disappearing into thin air without saying a word. And for stealing Jeff's wedding ring in the midst of all that. 

God has told me to forgive you. But I need more than that. I need you to know that I pray for your salvation. I pray you will find the God that has remained faithful to us, despite your actions which have turned our world upside down. Through this all, God has continued to provide for Cori and Jeff. Every single day. He's taught us how to trust. He's taught us how to love each other in times of weakness. He's taught us that we don't need our annual Hawaiian vacations or a lake house or a boat for the lake house. We've learned that you don't even have to own a wedding ring to be in a loving, faithful, unbreakable marriage. 

And I pray...I truly, truly pray, God, I pray that Ed will find you. 

He wants to teach you those same things, Ed. He wants to pour out His love on you. He wants to be the only thing in your life that you are dependent on. He wants to wash away your sins and hold you in His arms. 

I am sorry for my hatred towards you. I am sorry for the things I've thought and spoken about you. Please forgive me for my hatred and judgements. 

God is strengthening my family in our time of weakness, Ed. He's holding us up. i pray you will find your way to Him - wherever you are - and you will rest in the peace that comes from not having to carry yourself and your burdens any longer. Find that peace. 

In Christ, 

Mallory

It was one of the hardest things I've ever done. The room was silent afterwards - the only sound being that of my sobs as I cried into Courtney's shoulder (leaving my infamous mark of mascara on her shirt, of course!). The night ended there. Nobody said much...it was a really silent and somber time. 

The next day, a 20 year old girl that works at the base approached me. I don't know her very well - I'm not sure I've even had a conversation with her before. She handed me $300 cash and asked that I pass it on to Cori and Jeff. There's the love of God that I was asking to feel. I was overwhelmed. Cori was overwhelmed. Mom was overwhelmed. I think my entire family cried together that day...despite being so far apart. 

I received letters from the students, thanking me for being emotional and real and honest. At that moment, I think my strongest trait as a leader was my weakness. I'm broken. I'm struggling. I'm hurting. And I'm not going to hide it and I'm not going to act like everything is okay, because it's not. Jeff and Cori were struggling and that brought me pain. The entire base joined me in prayer for them. The base director came up to me the next night and said she'd spent much time in prayer for Cori and Jeff - and she even shared a vision that God gave her for their family. Friends of mine were praying for and giving money to strangers to them that were family to me. The Kingdom of God was working right in front of my eyes...after all, this is what the Kingdom is all about. 

The next day, Jeff got a job. The very.next.day. 

Week 6 brought us to the city of Brisbane. The discipleship training school that began in October was returning from their outreach trips, so they used our base and we went to stay and have our lectures at the YWAM base in Brisbane. Our lectures were on the Holy Spirit, which were amazing and really meaningful for the students. My birthday fell on that Monday, which turned out to be a great day. I can't believe how many people I heard from on that day -- again, I was feeling the love that I had asked God to show me the week before! The students showered me with gifts and cards. The worship leader wrote me a song and surprised me by playing it during one of our worship sessions, which was both hilarious and embarrassing...all at once. Love was all around me. 

I also received a package that week from a girl that was a student with me on my DTS. She had been praying for me, and wrote me a two page letter that was fully from God - she didn't even sign it or anything. It was a long letter about how much God loves me and my laugh and my dimples and my heart and He sees me as His unique and precious pearl. 

Enclosed with the letter were a pair of pearl earrings she had bought for me. There's that love from God, again. Being poured out all over and around me. It was the most beautiful letter I've ever read and it came to me at the time I most needed it. When I thanked her for hearing those words from God for me, passing the message along to me and buying me the earrings to go along with it, she said that she didn't even remember what the letter said. It was from God, for me. She was only the messenger. 

I am so blessed to have friends like her in my life. Love...it's all around me. 

Week 7 brought us to Relationships week. Our pastor at church is also preaching on relationships, so we're on a bit of relationships-overload, but it's been really, really good. I'm learning so much and despite normally being a basket case while learning about relationships, I was surprisingly un-emotional during this week! I literally couldn't get myself to cry. I even tried, which might sound strange, but tears are such a normal part of my life, it felt awkward not to be crying them! Two weeks past without a tear...there were times when I really felt like I SHOULD be crying and upset and unhappy, but I just couldn't do it. I couldn't be brought down. The love that God was filling my life with was lifting me up so high, I couldn't sulk or be crabby or cry......it's so unlike me!!! It has been wonderful!!! I'm really loving the staff and students that I'm working with - there is so much humor and love and laughter in this group. 

I'm still working like crazy to get our outreach planned. We leave on March 29 for Cambodia. Endre and I are leading a team of 9 students - it will definitely be interesting to have a group of 11 white Westerners marching around Cambodia and Thailand. Planning the trip has been so much more work than I even prepared myself for, but I'm so excited to see what God has in store for us. As of right now, it looks like we'll be spending two weeks in Battambung working with a center that does prison ministries, hospital ministries, sports ministries, orphanage work and speaking in churches. The second two weeks, we'll be in Phnom Penh, working at an orphanage that houses 90+ children with AIDS. We'll see how my un-emotional stature does there. 

From there, we'll fly to Bangkok, where we'll be for a few days before going down to Hadyai, in southern Thailand. We'll be working there for four weeks with a missionary named Simon, who works in the area schools, community centers and churches. There is a possibility that I'll be leaving Hadyai a week or so early with a few of the girls to go back to Bangkok to do some prostitution ministries. We're still praying about that and looking into some options with various organizations. 

Our team meets on Thursday mornings to learn about the countries and cultures we'll be visiting, practice skits and songs we'll be doing for the children and to answer any questions the students have. On Monday nights, we all meet at the beach to spend time in prayer with each other. We'll also be taking a small weekend retreat before we leave to bond and get to know each other better. Unity is so important to Endre and I - it is the first thing that the enemy will try to attack and so we want to grow to love each other in an unbreakable way. 

This week, our lectures are on Evangelism - which gets us out of the lecture room and into the Sunshine Coast to actually evangelize to people! I'm leading the wakeboarding evangelism every Friday night, which has been incredible. Not only is it amazing to get to wakeboard every week (think snowboarding on water. it's at a cable park, so you hold on to a cable as it takes you around the lake on a board. the pain you feel in your muscles the next morning is inexplicable. and completely worth it). 

On Monday, our base had a "Giving Morning," which is something they do three times a year. You may remember me sharing a story from the giving morning that took place on my DTS. Basically, we're all missionaries. Nobody in YWAM is on a payroll - whether you're a national director or a student, you come up with your own money. So, on Giving Mornings, you share with the room how much money you need, and that amount is written on a whiteboard next to your name. I didn't put my name on the board, although I could definitely use some money. I know there are others at the base that are in deeper need than I am. Secretly, I wanted to write $200 or $300 on the board, but I kept quiet. Maybe it was pride...I don't know. But 10 or so people did have needs that they voiced. One guy needed $12,000 for a film school he's enrolling in through YWAM. Another girl needed $2,000 by that afternoon to go on a mission trip to Cambodia and Thailand. Overall, there was over $30,000 in need written on the board. 

We put some music on and then had about 45 minutes to just pray and if you felt led to give money, you went and wrote your name and your pledge on a piece of paper. As money was given, the amount written next to each person's name on the whiteboard was subtracted from. The guy that needed $12,000 now needs $7,000. The girl that needed $2,000 in a few hours not only had that $2,000 need wiped out, but she walked out of that room with +$875. Some of the students that didn't have the $2,000 for outreach also had their needs met, and left with a positive balance. I felt it on my heart to give $300 to the base directors that needed about $2,500. They do so much for our base, they have a 2 year old daughter and they have very little support. I absolutely do not have $300. I didn't know where I was going to get the money. I have rent to pay here and am about to leave on a two month mission trip with about $60 in my bank account. 

I don't have $300 to give. 

But, I knew that God would provide it. I just knew it. I didn't know when He would provide it. I didn't know how. But I knew it would come. I was scared that my parents would be stuck giving me the money that I pledged to give this family they've never met, but somehow, I just knew that God would give me that $300 to pass on to them. It's scary not knowing how that's going to happen, but I was just so certain that it WOULD happen. 

We all continued praying. Amounts needed were being wiped out on the board. Some new amounts were put up on the board. God was stirring things in people's hearts. As the time winded down, one more pledge came in. I'm not sure who it was from. I may never know who it was from. But as I looked up on the whiteboard, one last name was written on it: my own. And next to my name, it said +$500. 

God put it on somebody's heart to give me money, even though I didn't speak out that I needed any. That is where the $300 I'd given away would come from. I only had to wait about 15 minutes to figure out where that money would come from! There is $150 I needed to pay for some things here, and I just ran out of cell phone credit. That $500 will leave me with $20 to pocket. 

20 insanely meaningful dollars.

God provides. He always, always provides. Yes, I was wishing to myself that my name would be written on that board without having to admit my need. I was prideful. I was scared. But God provided anyway. He put it on somebody's heart to give me $500 and in that moment, I was broken of my current inability to cry. I was shocked. I was overwhelmed. And, yet again, I found myself drowning in the love that I've been swimming in these past three weeks. 

That morning, over $25,000 was passed between hands of YWAM'ers. None of us have an income...many of us don't know where our rent money will come from or how we'll pay for basic needs in the next few months, but we believe in the faithfulness of God's provisions. Over $25,000 was given in one morning amongst people with no income. Imagine what a Giving Morning would look like among people that do get a paycheck every month. On that day, those of us that had a little extra gave to those that didn't have enough. A "little extra" to us may be a hundred bucks, or so. A "little extra" to me was $300 I didn't have. What would a "little extra" be to a working businessman in corporate America? 

A little extra for one person can change a life for someone else. If only Giving Mornings were standard for every organization. I guarantee that those who give will feel just as fulfilled and happy as those that receive. It just takes a little bit of letting go...

that's it! that's my honest, humbling, joyful recap of the past three weeks. i promise to try and be better about this so you're not stuck in front of your computer for hours on end to read these. but i appreciate you taking the time to do so! 

love,

mallory