i just finished a book that was on my "READ AGAIN!" list before i even finished reading it the first time. it was inspiring. "a million miles in a thousand years," by donald miller - author of "blue like jazz."
he writes...
"every life is a story. whether it is a story worth telling and talking about, though, is up to you. people set out with grand dreams of changing the world, falling in love, doing something amazing. but the drift toward the merely acceptable happens almost without notice...choose to live your life as a great story."
i want a great story. not so much so that this blog is somewhat interesting to read. or so that my photo albums are captivating. not even so that i can one day keep my grandkids entertained with my own fascinating "war stories." i want to live a great story so that when my days on this earth run out, i will finally be with my King and He will take me by the hand and look me in the eye and say, "well done, my good and faithful servant."
that's what i live my story for. and i know that the really great stories don't come just by sitting on the couch or living for myself or blending into society.
the past couple of weeks have been nothing short of life-changing for me. completely life changing. during the past several days, a new chapter in my life was written that changed the meaning of my story. i encountered God on a level that is deeper than i'd ever known...and i never want to come back up from that experience.
last was prayer week, which consists of 24 hour prayer from monday through friday. though prayer week is always a monumental week in the school, this one vastly exceeded all of my expectations.
we began on monday with our base's 'giving morning,' which we do on our ywam base about three times per year. as i've explained before, every student and staff on base admits their need, financial or otherwise, and we write all needs on a whiteboard. the room is then given a time of prayer and we open it up for pledges to be made to wipe out the needs of those whose name is on the board. it's a time to recognize that the money we do have isn't ours, it's God's and, as a part of His Kingdom, we are a family, here to give where there are needs. it is an incredible morning where thousands of dollars are moved around to different hands. on this giving morning, there was a need of over $65,000. nearly $40,000 exchanged hands that morning...and a laptop, DVD players, lawnmower, surfboard and computer software was given, as well. some individuals personally received over $7,000 within 20 minutes, allowing them to pay for flights and accommodation for mission trips, etc. it's awesome to see how God provides through His people when we walk in faithful obedience.
from that moment, prayer week had begun - from 8a to noon we met as a group for corporate prayer and worship times. the remaining 20 hours of each day, there were groups of 4-5 students and staff that were assigned a 2 hour prayer slot in a private prayer room. on monday, wednesday, and friday evenings we had an additional corporate worship/prayer time from 7p-10p. needless to say, it was a completely full-on week.
on monday, my prayer slot was in the early evening. my birthday was on tuesday, so i decided to stay in the prayer room until after midnight. i knew, without a doubt, that the only one i wanted to be with during the first moments of my 26th birthday was Jesus. i've never experienced that feeling before. usually, there are certain friends or family that i want to spend every minute of my birthday with. but this year was different. this year, i couldn't think of any better way to enter a new age than being with God. and that's exactly what i did. i prayed my way into my new year. and it's been off to a good start ever since...
on tuesday morning i woke up feeling...older. i hate the sound of 26. i hate the way it looks. i hate what it implies. i hate that it's closer to a new decade than i'm mentally ready for. i still hate the sound of 25, so this new age was definitely not welcomed. but when everyone around you is so dang wonderful, you can't help but celebrate.
and so, when i walked into class on my birthday greeted with a standing tunnel of all 40 students and staff yelling and waiting for me to run under their raised arms like a football player, i had to just chill out and enjoy it. and when they went on to sing happy birthday, give me a beautifully oversized card and the insanely generous gift of a night away at a local 5-star resort on the beach...well...i began to welcome the recognition of my new age. in the first hour of my birthday, i felt such an overwhelming amount of love that all i could do was cry! it was pathetic, but the gifts and cards and picture collages and celebration...it was just so much love.
...and then real life re-entered. before noon.
in our morning prayer/worship time, leon, our speaker for the week, was going to talk about grace. grace is something that, in this past year, has a renewed and deeper meaning in my life. i experienced grace in a new way these last several months. to be honest, i was terrified that God was going to ask me to share with the students and staff about my experience that had given me a new revelation of what grace really means and feels like. although, deep down, i knew before the school even started that God was going to push me to share this story because He was going to USE it to speak into people's lives! so the minute i heard that leon was going to talk about grace...i knew.
God couldn't have made it clearer that He wanted me up at the front of the room sharing my story. right when leon got up to speak, he was almost immediately tongue tied. leon has spoken on countless discipleship training schools around australia, new zealand and europe. he has spoken about grace innumerable times. he had notes in front of him. he knew what he wanted to say. but he couldn't even finish a sentence. after about ten minutes, it got really uncomfortable. he began apologizing as someone went up to the front to pray for him. after receiving prayer, he re-started his attempt to speak and, once again, he stumbled over his words - noticeably frustrated and confused about why he was having such a hard time.
i knew that was my cue. i knew that God was tongue-tying leon because he wanted me to get up there, humble myself, and speak about my life-changing experience with grace that happened just months earlier. as leon painfully stumbled over words, he looked over at me...and that was it. i nodded my head and i stood up and leon argued, telling me i didn't have to come save him, he was fine...he could do it.
but i knew.
so i took the microphone from him and i stood up at the front and, through tears, i told the students how i was hoping that leon would be able to get it together because i did NOT want to be up there. i did NOT want to tell the students how i had messed up and had been completely drowned in God's grace. and i did NOT want to do it on my birthday.
needless to say....it's not about what i want.
so i spilled it. all of it. i told my story from start to finish. the story that i wanted to keep to myself....forever. i told it because i knew, deep down, God was going to use it for His glory. and i believe He did. after i cried my way through my story, sharing how i fully experienced the grace of God in mighty ways, the microphone was left open, though not for long. the morning turned into a time of confession, repentance, prayer, and sharing about what grace means to us and what an incredible gift it is. i praise God for using my painful story to encourage others. i think my experience makes me a real person. i can travel around the world sharing God's love and His Word, i can minister to people, i can lead discipleship training schools...and, all the while, i can still be an idiot and mess up sometimes. and God catches me, He teaches me, He loves me and He forgives me.
and you, too. Amen!
the rest of my birthday was completely perfect. jenna, mallory (my one-on-one) and i set out to go see the giant pineapple, a local attraction here on the sunshine coast. our plans were quickly foiled by a monsoon rainstorm. rain was pouring down so hard that i couldn't even see the road...so i stopped trying to see the road. i pulled my car over on the highway and the three of us got out and just danced around in the rain. it was so fun, in fact, that once the rain let up a bit, we got back into the car and i drove to the beach. by the time we got there, my 1987 station wagon was nearly flooded and the rain was coming down so hard it almost hurt. we got out and ran around the empty beach, splashing in puddles, jumping off the rocks and running into the ocean - in our soaking wet clothes while jumping the waves in the monsoon rain storm. i felt like i was six years old again. i was laughing so hard, i didn't know what were tears and what were raindrops running down my face. it was a completely joy-filled afternoon. completely joy-filled.
that evening, i got together with one of my dear friends, claire. she is a 28 year old from england and was a student on the january 2009 school that i staffed. she's now back on the coast working full-time with our skate ministry. her and i spent the evening in prayer for each other, our ministries and our future husbands. it was a genuinely special time to spend with her and another blessed time in prayer on my birthday. in realizing how much i just wanted to be with God on my birthday, i realized how much i just want to pursue my relationship with Him. turning 26 makes me feel like i "have" to be pursuing a man and "finding" my husband. but this year, i've realized that what i am passionate about is pursuing Him and knowing that He will bring the right man into my life in His timing. until then, i am so content and fulfilled in pursuing God and being romanced by Him.
by wednesday, we were in the middle of prayer week and i was feeling a bit discouraged with how it was playing out. i wasn't the only one. leon, along with some of the staff, pointed out how dead everything felt. how forced it all was. worship times and prayer and ministry times just felt...off. leon commented that it felt like there was a cloud over us in the room. something that was really blocking us from feeling, experiencing and hearing God. we ALL felt disconnected from God, but couldn't understand why.
so when we all met for corporate prayer and worship on wednesday night, i don't think any of us were expecting to have our lives changed in that 2-3 hour time. enter: the Holy Spirit.
the evening began with a word from jay, one of the guys on staff. jay staffed my DTS and lead my outreach to jakarta in 2008. in 2009, i staffed the DTS that he lead and now he is staffing the DTS i'm leading. him and i are co-leading the team to bangladesh and india next month. i was able to go visit jay and his family in texas this past october and just feel so blessed by his friendship. he has spoken into my life in so many ways. he has challenged me and inspired me and encouraged me. he is a truly gifted man of God...and on that wednesday night when he stood at the front of the room to speak, he further proved that.
jay talked about worship. he had spent the afternoon in prayer and God really spoke to him about worship. we so often make worship about US. we worship God in order to feel a certain way or to get something out of it. jay shared that worship actually isn't about us at all.
i agreed. there was something very "off" about our worship times. it felt forced. it felt fake. it felt unemotional, even apathetic. there was something we had to break through and i couldn't put my finger on it. after jay spoke, we had a time of personal reflection and prayer. this had me on my knees with my face in the ground, apologizing to God for making worship all about me and then putting the focus back on Him. during this time, a couple of people went to the front and felt that they needed to publicly repent in order to get their heart right with God and with us. this turned into a powerful time of public repentance. people became very transparent and vulnerable as they brought wrongdoings from their past, which have been weighing on them and leaving them feeling guilty and shameful, into the light. the enemy hates the light. when things in darkness are brought to light, it gives us the power to leave them behind. and that's what was happening in this moment. many painful tears were shed and pride was destroyed as we surrounded people in a circle of prayer after they brought it all into the light. there were moments during that time that i will remember for the rest of my life. there is so much power in standing together and defeating the shame and guilt that the enemy tries to instill in our lives. the Light won some major battles that night.
there was a lot of breakthrough throughout the night. a lot of much-needed breakthrough. we had a time of prayer when all of the girls got together and all of the guys surrounded them to pray for them, and then we switched it up and had the girls surround the guys, lifting them up in prayer and support. just when i thought that the school had undergone the much-needed breakthrough that we needed to fully experience and worship God, He went on to break even further out of the box we had placed Him in and showed up in a mighty, inexplicable, unforgettable way.
what happened during this night is something that can't be shared in this way. for many reasons. one being that any words i type online just simply will not do this experience justice. there aren't words to accurately describe the way that the 40 of us experienced God that night. secondly, i believe that God gave us that experience for a personal, intimate reason. He drew all of us together in that one room for that experience and i know that He hand-picked each one of us to be there. what i can tell you is that it changed my life. that night completely changed my life. it has changed my relationship with God, it has grown my passion for Him and for the Word and it has completely altered the way that i choose to live my life on this earth. after our undeniably intimate experience with Jesus, we ended with a time of worship. it was, hands down, the most authentic, powerful time of worship that i have ever experienced...in my life. there was jumping and dancing, there were people on their knees, there were tears, there was singing, there was yelling, there were hands raised and ear to ear smiles and tearful hugs, long embraces, and, above all, there was unashamed, wholehearted worship of our Heavenly King.
God had taken us on a great journey that night - and we came full circle. an evening that started with a call to repent and reevaluate how we worship God and why we worship God. our worship had felt forced and had been all for us. and three and a half hours later, we were in the midst of the most authentic and powerful worship time of our lives....worshipping God for who He is and for all He has done.
that night, i had a 2-4am prayer shift. many of us just ended up staying in that room throughout the entire night - crying, processing, talking, praying and worshipping. i didn't go home until nearly 5am and was back at the church at 8am the following day to continue pursuing God. our awesome God. i felt like a completely different person after our wednesday night session. i still do. thursday morning held another great time of sharing and corporate prayer and worship.
on thursday evening, jenna and i were able to get away by ourselves for the evening. it was an awesome time to be able to process everything that had happened throughout the week. we ended up sitting on a couch together with my head on her shoulder as we read the Bible aloud to each other, each of us with tears streaming down our faces.
friday was a time of celebration for all that had happened throughout the week. lives were dramatically changed in a matter of four or five days. God had revealed Himself to each person in incredible ways. every student and staff had grown dramatically and had experienced God on a deeper level than ever before. it was an awesome week of breakthroughs, repentance, prayer, growth, deep conversations in the prayer room at 4am and being faced with new revelations of God and His Word. all in one week. i feel so blessed. to see lives changed and have my own life so dramatically changed for the better in just one work week. God is so much bigger and so much more powerful than our little human minds can even imagine.
that weekend, the students and staff blessed me beyond belief by sending me to a 5-star resort on the beach...a beautiful ocean-view room and strict instructions for nobody to call my cell phone for 24 hours!!! it was unbelievable!!! i was able to lay out by the pool with the ocean just steps away and relax. i read a book i had tried to finish for weeks before nearly giving up due to lack of time. i had time to call my family and hear their sweet voices. and a couple of the staff came and took me out to dinner in the evening before sitting out on my room's balcony with me that evening to listen to the crashing ocean waves, look at the stars, and enjoy some awesome fellowship time. it was such a refreshing day and i felt so loved by the students and staff effort and generosity to get a night away for me!
the following week, our lectures were on the Living Word - like an inductive Bible study. i could definitely see how God had a hand in setting up the lecture weeks for the school months before it even started. having a week of studying the Bible was perfect timing after our intense and passionate prayer week. we were all ready to dive into the Word, and this week definitely did not disappoint. one of our staff members, bryan, taught for the week and you could see how the students' passion for the Bible became more intense each day. many questions were asked and wrestled with and a desire to learn even MORE grew every day!
this particular week was one where i felt somewhat absent from what was happening with the school. with so much happening with my family at home during this week, i knew that i had to allow my heart to step back from the school and let it be in chicago for a few days. it was as if the floodgates really opened that week - tears were a natural part of each day....tears and sadness and anger and pain. i really saw yet another reason why God brought Jenna, my dear friend from home, onto this school as a student. i needed her. she was my rock in this week and would come intercede for me several times- when i was falling apart in tears during worship, she held me and prayed for each of my family members by name. God knew that i'd need someone that i could really connect with...someone that knew and cared for my family and would be a deep-rooted support to me during this time. i don't know what i'd do without jenna here. i feel so blessed.
in this week, i feel like i truly experienced what it means to live out what it says in luke 14:26-27. it was so hard to know that i was where God wanted me even though my family was and is going through the hardest trial of their lives. i found myself feeling so confused about why i was brought to the other side of the world NOW. of course i know that i am where God wants me and He is using me for His purposes, but why did i have to be so far away when we, all of my family, were in so much pain? why couldn't i be with them? why can't i be with them now? how do i remain in my ministry and pouring out to the students and staff when the most important people in my world are hurting so badly? and, yes, i've heard the "well what would you REALLY be able to do if you were there??" comments. and i understand those. i completely get where people are coming from when they say that.
but, the reality is, i WOULD be able to do something. i'd be able to hug them. i'd be able to sit with them. to cry with them. to talk with them. to stand with them.
but i trust God. i trust in His plan. and so, despite the miles, i still cry with them. i talk with them. and i, absolutely, without a doubt, always will stand with them.
always.
we've just finished our week 8 lectures on the character and nature of God. five days before the lectures began, we found ourselves without a speaker. a family emergency took away the speaker we had booked, so we were desperate for someone to come and share for the week. God led us to jason solari, a veteran at the ywam brisbane base. when we called jason to BEG him to come and speak in five days, he said that God had been putting it on his heart to begin speaking on the topic of the character and nature of God. so, he was suddenly forced to create the curriculum in five days! it worked our perfectly for all of us - he was an excellent speaker and gave us a lot of insight on God's character.
we are just over three weeks away from outreach. jay and i are busy applying for visas, contacting ministries and making a budget. we will leave on march 27 to spend three weeks in bangladesh. from there, we'll spend two weeks in calcutta and three weeks in darjeeling. i have never been so excited for an outreach before! we have an incredible team of seven students and have been meeting two or three times a week with them to pray for the outreach and to unify ourselves before heading to one of the least-reached nations in the world.
please be praying for rejuvenation and refreshment. there is a lot going on in the school right now - a lot of counsel, love and conversations with staff and students and, although i absolutely love being able to pour into their lives, it can be tiring. there are still three lecture topics left before outreach, so right now we're really trying to keep our heads and our hearts here in lectures and not jump ahead to outreach too soon! God has so much in store for us in the next three weeks and i'm truly looking forward to finding out what that is!
thank you all so much for your prayers. miss you guys like crazy.
and thank you for those of you that are genuinely loving and taking care of my family right now. you have no idea how much that means.
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