The trek from Calcutta to Brisbane, via Kuala Lumpur, was a bit lonely to do on my own, but it was a great time to reflect on the 2 months spent in Asia and to prepare to wrap up the 5-month program for my 31 students, all whom would be reuniting on the Sunshine Coast 3 days after me. The week-long "debrief" is a time for all outreach teams (5 in total) to share stories and begin processing their time overseas, as well as preparing the students to go back home after this intense 5-month spiritual journey. One week is absolutely not even close to being long enough to process and prepare for their re-entrance back home, but we do our best to give them a good start and encourage them to continue processing and sharing their experiences with others!
I was responsible for leading the debrief week although, for the most part, debrief week carries itself with all of the stories from the outreach teams' experiences. The first two days are always filled with lots of laughter, praise and tears as the teams share stories of what God did in and through them during the 8 week trip (as well as some humorous stories, like unforeseen & random places they had to go to the bathroom or, better yet, the rare few that didn’t make it to a “place” and had to change their pants! Ha!).
I was blessed with these 2 days without the rest of the students and staff to prepare for their homecoming and the week that was before us. This was a great time for me to recharge and anticipate the final week of this 5-month program. I had no idea what to expect and how this discipleship school would end, but I had to believe that God would finish it as beautifully, emotionally and divinely as He began it.
Due to the nature of these schools, the group of students and staff that make up each school generally grow intimately close in the 3 months before even leaving on outreach. Which makes it interesting when all of the outreach teams reunite after outreach, because some people that you thought you knew so well when leaving Australia have changed even more so dramatically while serving the Lord in a 3rd world country that spending one week with them at the end isn’t at all long enough to start learning what God did in them during the time you were apart! Regardless, I was nervous and excited and anxious to see the 25 students and 8 staff that I hadn’t seen in eight weeks, along with the 7 students that I had been in India and Bangladesh with!
The first time I saw the entire school together again was on Monday morning, just hours after they had landed back in Australia. I walked into our morning worship time at the YWAM base (awkwardly late!) and my heart was immediately overflowing, as were my tears. I was able to see my dear friend, Jenna, who had spent her 8 weeks in China, having only been able to email me a few times. We hugged and cried and giggled and cried in the middle of the packed room while everybody else continued singing beautiful worship songs.
My worship time that morning wasn’t through singing the songs. My worship was through silence and tears, both which were triggered by total wonderment, amazement, and adoration at the work my Father had done. My worship was through an incomprehensible jumble of words of overwhelming thanks and praise. I stood in the middle of that room among 40 people that God had chosen me to lead through a difficult, rigorous, beautiful, life-changing, confusing, frustrating, joyful, intense spiritual journey…and as I stood there, I could see the change in the faces of the students and staff. I could see Jesus on their faces. The entire aura of the room felt different from when we were gathered together only 8 weeks earlier. It felt heavenly. I was so in awe at the presence of God in the room and in the hearts of my cherished brothers and sisters, whom I had only known for a short time but had become nothing less than family to me. I just stood in the middle of these beautiful, devoted disciples of Christ and I sobbed. Uncontrollably. These people, who I had been praying for when they were only names on a piece of paper had become these mature, passionate, compassionate vessels of His love. For some of them, the change they underwent during those 5 months was steady and peaceful, while for others, they changed drastically…I mean drastically … and it was a series of messy, painful, stubborn, incredible breakthroughs.
As expected, the week totally flew by. We spent days and nights all together in candle-lit rooms, listening to hundreds of stories from the 5 different outreach teams. We laughed together and cried together and sat in stunned silences together at the work God had done through our groups. We listened as some of the “tough” students…the ones that had a little bit of a chip on their shoulder during the first three months, now sat among us totally transformed and crying freely in our midst at the ways that God had used them to touch the lives of others. No one…not one of us…was without a story to share about the awesome, awesome ways we had experienced God’s power and seen Him dramatically change lives, including our own.
Besides sharing stories from our outreach trips, we spend the week speaking to the students about re-entering their communities at home, getting connected to a church, processing their DTS experience, continuing to grow outside of the “YWAM bubble,” etc. The week is nothing short of an emotional roller coaster. I was kept so busy with leading sessions all day and debriefing the students that it wasn’t until Wednesday evening that it really hit me that this was it: the end of something that I had toiled over, prayed for, thought about, and devoted myself to was coming to an end. I had to begin seeking closure to this thing that I had become so attached to…this thing that I loved…this thing that I enjoyed devoting myself to - and my deep relationships with all of the people that were also involved in "this thing."
I shed more tears. I fought with God about why He brought me to an experience that was so deep and meaningful and passionate in my heart and why He included in it people that were so deep and meaningful and passionate in my heart -- only to have it end…so soon. 5 months is just so quick. But this was the 3rd discipleship training school that I had been a part of. I deal with these emotions every time. The blessing and the curse of something so real and genuine and life changing, I suppose.
On Friday evening, May 28, 2010, I had the honor of graduating 31 students from around the world that did and do and always will hold an intimately special place in my heart. I sighed deeply and gave glory to God that every student that arrived on the Sunshine Coast back in January for day one of the school had finished out the entire 5 months – something that doesn’t happen all too often.
At graduation, each of the 5 teams shared 1 or 2 stories to the packed room of spectators before sharing a short video of their time overseas. I was also given the opportunity to give a speech at graduation. To be honest, I thought about that speech for 13 months – since the day I was asked to lead this particular school back in April of 2009. I wanted to give great thought to the graduation speech because it would be my last time to have this very special group of students and staff all in one place at one time as a captive audience. It was my very last opportunity to leave them with some final thoughts. I did not take this lightly.
God has blessed me so much during this time of leading the DTS. It was certainly one of the hardest roles I’ve ever had, but the difficult, frustrating, overwhelming times were always countered with a shining moment. I don’t know how else to describe it…it’s just one of those moments where you step back and say, “THIS is why. This is why I do this. This makes it all worthwhile. This makes the tears and the enemies’ attacks and the distance from my family and the fear and the doubt and the madness all worthwhile.”
I’ve shared many of those moments with you throughout my blogging of this experience. And some of those moments live in my heart – just for me. But this, this speech at graduation, was one of those moments. A moment that I will ABSOLUTELY never forget. Because as I uttered the final word of my speech (I’m not sure I had even finished speaking the last word), every person in the entire room was on their feet, applauding & crying & smiling. That may not sound like much, but you have to understand that this is a room full of people that I love and respect incredibly deeply. A room of my own YWAM leaders, people that disciple me, members of the Sunshine Coast and church community, parents’ of my students, AND my beloved, respected students and staff. I have never been so…speechless. All I could do was stand there and look at the faces of these amazing people. I have never felt so unworthy of such a beautiful response in my life. Because I am incredibly aware that everything I did was actually God working through me. I was humbled daily throughout this experience, knowing that God had chosen me, for whatever reason, and was actively working through me. There’s nothing more humbling than that. The ending was cinematic and real and heart wrenching and…perfect.
And that was the big finish. One that I couldn’t have planned or expected. One better than I could have orchestrated myself. That night, most of us staff and the students stayed awake all night, sitting together in the basement of one of the student houses and talking and sharing stories from the past 5 months. I didn’t sleep for even 5 minutes for the next 24 hours, staying awake so I could say goodbye to each student individually as they began leaving all too quickly and all too early on Saturday morning.
And then, like that, it’s all over. All of the planning and emails and prayers and thoughts and questions and speaker bookings and budgeting…All of the agonizing decisions and weekend trips and outreach itineraries and crises and breakthroughs and anticipation and nerves and fear and joy and praise and lessons and growth…all that my past 13 months had held in the planning and execution of this school was all over.
………
Although the students were gone and the school was over, my time to process the whole experience was just beginning. The entire staff gathered for a day-long debrief time together. In addition, the wife of our YWAM base director had me over to her home one morning as a time to debrief me on the past 5 months. I don’t think I had realized just how desperately I needed this. We sat on her couch and had a cup of coffee as she listened to me and encouraged me and held me. You may be sensing a theme, but, once again, I cried. I cried a deep, heartfelt, agonizing cry from very far within. She prayed for me, sang to me, and sat in a holy silence with me. When doubt crept in or I began focusing on what I thought I did that was negative or ineffective, she began reading to me words of feedback that my students and staff had written just days earlier. Words that encouraged me and filled me with a confirmation that I somehow still needed. She spoke words of Truth to me and she stood in the gap for me in powerful, desperate ways.
Once the school ended, I remained in Australia with Jenna for another week. We moved into the home of a woman that serves on staff at the YWAM base. It was a great time for Jenna and I spend some quality time together, although, looking back, I think we were both still so raw from the depth and intensity of the experiences we’d had that we weren’t sure how to relate to each other quite yet. But we sat at the beach, looking out at the waves, we watched movies, listened to worship music, and shared stories and meals and clothes.
When it came time to fly back home to Chicago, I believe I was ready to go. It had been a week of painful, tearful, countless goodbyes and I was ready to get back to Chicago and rest – in every sense of the word. On my final night in Australia, I shared a great meal on the beach with good friends before heading to Ryan & Christen’s home, the DTS Program Directors, to say goodbye and share some last ideas on the future of the DTS program. The Discipleship Training School is something I’m so passionate about because I’ve seen how drastically it can change people and I’ve personally experienced drastic change through this program. The three of us sat and talked about the future and my role in the DTS program at the YWAM Sunshine Coast base. I left Australia exhausted – emotionally & physically – but excited to be refreshed and then to continue serving on the Sunny Coast. I left suitcases filled with my things on the Sunshine Coast and half-hearted goodbyes to the locals there, fully planning on returning in a few short months.
As my plane took flight in Brisbane, I was leaving a place that holds a huge piece of my heart. The first time I ever stepped foot in Australia was on July 4, 2008 – the 17th anniversary of when I first accepted Christ into my heart and life. I re-dedicated my life to Him during that first experience and, now leaving my 3rd trip to Australia – my life has been made richer and more meaningful than I ever thought imaginable. I’ve met people from around the world, been to places I didn’t know existed and encountered a God that I hadn’t before known was SO real. My time in Australia allowed me to serve in Indonesia, Cambodia, Thailand, Bangladesh and India and to visit Malaysia, Brunei, and New Zealand. I read the Bible from cover to cover in 4 months and discovered gifts of the Spirit and how to live with God and for God and not just for myself. I met countless people that are a part of His Kingdom and, through that, my family that I thought was only made up of 4 others is actually bigger than this earth can even contain.
I found the love of God in Australia. I don’t know why I had to go to the other side of the world in order to truly find Him. I don’t know why I had to endure a relational heartache in order to finally surrender my life to Him. But I do know that all of this – every part of it – was planned by Him before I even took my first steps. It was all too divine and perfect and emotional and spiritual and deep and meaningful to have worked out any other way.
My seatbelt was fastened. Memories and experiences and loving relationships were coming home with me, packed tightly in my heart. My return to Australia was not far off. But first…sweet home, Chicago…
No comments:
Post a Comment