:: a heart for india ::

for years, i'd heard people talk about having a "heart for india." i was never sure what that meant, but, nonetheless, was excited to get to india to see what all of these heartfelt feelings were about!

we made the quick flight from dhaka to india, arriving in calcutta in the late afternoon. a sense of peace came over me almost instantly - i felt both an excitement and a sense of belonging the moment i stepped outside of the airport. for .01 seconds, i felt like i was in london again with the old-time british taxi cabs lined up in front of me. that feeling quickly passed with all of the sounds and smells that screamed "INDIA," but i adored the hinted british presence.

our group piled into two different jeeps and started the drive to the guest house we'd be staying in for the two weeks we'd be spending in calcutta. we were immediately met with a very realistic experience of everyday traffic in calcutta. cars and buses were at a standstill, intersections looked only like a countless number of vehicles, bicycles and pedestrians going in absolutely every direction possible. travelers on motor bikes were squeezing their way inbetween large buses to try and escape the madness. people had their arms out the windows, yelling and gesturing in ways that i'm sure were being communicated to the other indians - although to us, it only added to the foreign hysteria of it all.

the sun dropped and it became nighttime in calcutta...and we were still in the jeeps - piled in 4 to a seat. eventually, we discovered that our drivers were lost (awesome!), so they began stopping to ask for directions. at the second place we stopped, most of us got out of the jeeps to try and feel our legs again, and we noticed that we had stopped to ask for directions at mother teresa's home. what a surreal experience that was, only to find that our guest house was 30 seconds away...we would literally be neighbors with mother teresa's home (known as "Mother's House") and her burial place.

we were blessed with a beautiful guest house to stay in, which served as quite a retreat to us. it was a gated community and, once inside the gates, there was a beautifully serene garden, fountain and benches which felt like a different world from the crazy streets of downtown calcutta that was just a few feet away. the second we walked out of the gates of the guest house, there were families living on the sidewalk right in front of the gate. every time we entered or exited our guest house, we saw children curled up on the sidewalk sleeping, their parents watching over them.

during our two weeks in calcutta, our team of nine split into two smaller groups, working with two separate but similar ministries.
Life Connection is a ministry which reaches out to homeless children that live on the train platforms in calcutta. the things you see in the movie, "slumdog millionaire" are very realistic - there are many kids that live on and around the train tracks.

Kings' Kids is a ministry which takes in "street kids" every day; bathing them, brushing their teeth, reading them stories, singing songs, playing games and feeding them. both ministries have a heart for these children and want to see them be loved, cared for and educated, despite their upbringing on the streets of india.

during our first week in calcutta, i went with the group to kings' kids. this was an incredible experience. from the moment we walked into the door, we were greeted with warm smiles and immediate tasks. i was given a used bar of soap and a dirty scrub brush and sent to a cement room where the children were bathed. i took my shoes off, rolled up my pants and went into the wet, dungeon-like room. the children would come in completely undressed, one by one, and i would have to pour buckets of water on them and scrub them with the dirty soap and sponge. what a job. these kids were literally coming right in from the streets, where they lived, slept, and played. that was no secret - they had dirt and bugs caked on them. i eventually had to take a second to leave the room and breathe because the smell was so bad - not only the smell of the children, but also the smell of the water i was using to "clean" them. i was washing them with dirty, stagnant water that had bugs floating in it. what an eye opening experience for me - i notice when my shower isn't as warm as i'd like it, and these children are happy just to get a bath in dirty, contaminated water.

the children were sweet & rowdy & incredibly beautiful. they were starving for food, attention, love and laughter. what a blessing to be able to feed so much of that hunger through our time spent with them. we played many games of "Uno," sang songs, acted out Bible stories, picked lice out of their hair, sewed their clothes, acted as human climbing walls and taught them some english words and phrases. at the end of the morning, we would have gigantic tin tubs full of white rice and curry. all of us would sit on the floor and eat lunch together - which is where my team and i first learned to really perfect eating with our hand. there really is a specific technique to master when eating rice & curry with a hand...
...i did not immediately master this technique. what a mess!
while volunteering here, we also had the opportunity to witness to two german girls that were volunteering at kings' kids, as well. india is full of westerners traveling throughout the country to volunteer, though many of them are not Christians. this is such a spiritually confused place - many come here looking for some enlightening experience. these german girls were no different, and one of them was really open to what we had to share. our team grew a heart for these girls and befriended them, meeting them for dinner, inviting them to church with us and hanging out with them outside of kings' kids.

after our first week in calcutta, jay and i asked the team if there was anything that they would be disappointed they didn't take the opportunity to do while we were in calcutta. maria, one of our norwegian students, said she really wanted to volunteer at one of mother teresa's homes. since we couldn't send her alone, i decided to volunteer with her during our final week in calcutta. volunteering at the mother teresa house is no simple task. all volunteers are required to go to a scheduled orientation and then must choose their top 3 picks of homes to volunteer in, out of a plethora of choices. you are then placed where you're needed. there are homes for children, women, men, the terminally ill, etcetera.

both maria and i had the same first choice, which was the home we were placed in for our volunteer work: kalighat home for the dying and destitute. when patients enter this home, they never see the light of day again. it is a free hospice for the dying, giving them the chance to die with dignity. i was prepared for the experience of working here to leave my heart feeling heavy, but nothing could have prepared me for what i saw, what i heard and what i experienced.

on our first day, maria & i began by washing dishes and then i was sent to the roof to lay out laundry that needed to dry. maria would bring the baskets filled with wet laundry up three flights of stairs and drop it off on the roof for me to lay out.

it was during this time that i had a very surreal moment of seeing my life, my story, and how dramatically it has changed in the past couple of years. here i am, standing on the roof of mother teresa's home for the dying in calcutta, india - surrounded by temples, laying out the laundry of the terminally ill people two floors below me. one year ago from this moment i was in thailand, and two years ago from this moment i was in glen ellyn; in the midst of a difficult and trying period of my life. i had to take a few moments to just stand there on the rooftop, watching the busyness of calcutta below me and praising God for the places He has taken me and ways He has changed my life.

kalighat is known as "Mother's First Love," because it was the home of hers that was closest to her heart. the men & women are on opposite ends of the home, with the kitchen in between. upon entering the women's side, which is the only side i was allowed on, there are rows upon rows of cots. if the women can move, they usually just scoot themselves to places on the floor, using their hands. all of the patients are wearing open-back gowns, which doesn't cover much, especially when they're crawling or scooting themselves across the room. they're in their last days. most of them elderly, though i think some of them look older than they are. there were some young girls there, some middle-aged women, as well. they are dying. they suffer. they scream. some women would just cry in pain, and i often heard men wailing in pain from the other end of the home. these long, aching moans, communicating pain & helplessness. i yearned to know the life stories of so many of the patients. i would see tattoos etched on their skin or piercings on their faces; i would look at their worn hands and wrinkled skin and i just knew that they had to have great stories to tell from the years they've lived.

during my first morning, one of the elderly patients peed on me. all over my feet and legs. i had to laugh - what an example of the places and experiences God gives us when we follow Him. i never would have guessed that an old indian woman would pee on me in my lifetime! :)

we spent a lot of time doing exercises with the patients to get them moving a bit. we would hand our the patients' medicine, change their bandages, feed them lunch and wash the dishes. we would work with the sisters from Mother Teresa's Missionaries of Charity that worked there from dawn until much past dusk. i bonded a lot with one of the sister's from darjeeling - she was a little firecracker and brought so much laughter to the room!

one of the patients there reminded me so much of my grandma. i'm not sure what it was, but there was something about her face that instantly reminded me of my mom's mom. and, somehow, i think this patient felt the connection, because the first time she laid eyes on me, she looked directly into my eyes and gave me a deep, heartfelt smile that lit up her entire face. we continued to make eye contact countless times, and every time, her face lit up as she smiled a comforting and beautiful smile.

as i left the kalighat home after my first day, i just thought, "i don't deserve my health." why am i healthy? why did i get born into a loving American family with enough money and resources? how does this happen? i feel so very blessed. who am i to complain when my throat hurts or my health insurance isn't good enough while these people are truly suffering? their teeth are rotting. some of them have had a breast removed. some were missing limbs or toes. one was blind. and they were scooting themselves across the tile floor. kalighat is known as "mother's first love." and i can tell why.

immediately after our first day at the home, our team had to take a forced day off. there was a major transportation strike in all of calcutta, so buses/taxis/rickshaws/trains were all at a standstill. it was quite strange to go outside and hear SILENCE...in calcutta. forced days off can be a scary thing for team leaders because it can bring the energy and momentum of the team to a halt. i was really praying for God to do something cool with our day off and, of course, He did. we ended up having an incredible discussion about Christianity: more specifically, what's so good about the Good News? we all shared about why we became Christians in the first place and what is so good about telling people about Jesus! not only was it a great way for our team to bond, but it was so awesome to actually revisit that question and remember why i do this and how meaningful it is to me. it's so easy to get into the habit of going through the motions, but when someone asks you, "why...why do you believe this, why do you live like this, what's so great about this?" .... i have to have an answer! sometimes we tend to forget those answers in the busyness and flow of it all, so it was an incredible time for us as a team and personally.

the next day, maria and i headed back to work at kalighat. there was one patient i had seen in the woman's ward that, when looking at her, gave me a physical reaction. i can't explain it, but her body had been so marred that it made me feel physically ill. she would usually have a bandage covering her head, but would often rip it off, exposing her shaved head where pieces of her scalp were literally missing. large chunks of her scalp had been ripped off. i saw parts of her skull, i saw blood and other various liquids. i can't explain how instantly i felt ill. i thought i was going to be sick - it affected me for a long time, making me feel shaky (i don't even do well inside of north american hospitals...like, just in the elevator of north american hospitals. this was so far beyond that...)
in addition, this woman was missing one of her legs from the knee, down. she usually crawls everywhere, but the sisters are trying to build up the strength in her good leg so that she can get a prosthesis. out of selfishness, i generally tried to avert my eyes from this woman, not only because the sight made me feel sick, but because i didn't know what story my face was telling when i looked at her, so i thought it was best just to not look.
well, God has a sense of humor. when i walked into the home on this second morning of volunteer work, one of the sisters pointed to this woman and told me to help her with her leg exercises. if i knew anything, it was that you DON'T say "no" when a sister asks you to do something.
i should've known this was going to happen! the woman's name is Kishna. her injuries were rather recent. she was found on the side of the road and was taken to a government hospital. when the hospital realized that nobody was coming for her (ie: nobody would be paying the bill), they took her to Kalighat. when she arrived at the Mother Teresa home, her head was covered in maggots and her leg was freshly amputated. she cannot communicate verbally, so nobody really knows what happened to her.
she crawled her way to a bench set up next to a flight of stairs. her task was to hold onto the railing of the stairs and sit & stand 20 times. i would be there to count and to catch her if she lost her balance. this turned out to be an exhausting and painful task for Kishna. she would sit on the bench and just cry, frustrated and hurting. with a substantial language barrier, i was only able to encourage her through rubbing her back and smiling into her eyes. this woman was incredible. she did all 20 exercises before just collapsing into my arms, and i held her tightly as she cried. i don't think i've ever seen someone so beautiful in my life. God fully gave me his heart for her and i believe i saw her through His eyes. i didn't feel repulsed or sick or scared, but, instead, i felt such an outpouring of love for her. i wanted her to know how loved she is and how beautiful she is. i still think of Kishna quite often and wonder how she's doing. i'm sure she's blessing countless people as she blessed me.

as Kishna went back to her cot, i noticed another patient that was just laying on her bed staring at me. i smiled and waved and she waved back at me with a three-fingered hand. i noticed she was missing some fingers and toes, but she had these vibrant, excited eyes as she began to speak to me in sign language. i instantly wished i remembered more from the sign language classes i took in college. i signed 'hello,' and told her my name. when she saw my sign language, she dove right into a story that she signed for quite a while. i couldn't understand her, but i stayed with her and "listened." after she finished, i signed to her that she was beautiful. it was one of the few things that i do remember and i'm so glad i did, because it brought tears to her bright eyes. my heart broke for her as i thought of her living in a world where no one can talk to you or understand your thoughts.

lunch time came and one of the sisters grabbed me and asked if i would feed one of the older patients. going back to my weak stomach, my shameful first thought was that i assumed this would make me feel a little sick. i sat next to an older woman's chair and fed her spoonfuls of rice and curry, thinking about the life she must have lived before she was sitting in this chair being spoon-fed by a 26 year old american girl. she didn't eat or drink much and soon wanted to lay down on her cot. i lifted her onto her bed and she searched for my hand as her head gently hit the pillow. i took her hand in mine as her hands shook to the beat of her heart. her skin was raw and cracking, looking almost as if she had dried glue on her hands. she rested her eyes as we held hands, her shaking continuing. after a while, i grew tired of kneeling, so i released my hand to sit down. she started shaking more rapidly until i grabbed her hand again. after a few minutes, she slowly brought my hand to her mouth and kissed it 5 or 6 times. i can't express how touched i was. i then brought her hand to my lips and kissed it 5 or 6 times. after that, she fell asleep.

what a powerful time i had at the kalighat home for the destitute and dying. the whole experience was much too short - i wish i could have spent many more days there. as always, i felt so blessed by those i wanted to bless. the women there are strong and courageous, and the sisters that spend 20 hours a day serving them were inspiring in their selflessness and servanthood.

on one of our last nights, jay & i sent our team out in pairs with 100 rupees and the task was to just bless someone. i figured that they would go, buy someone some food, and come home. not our team...these guys stayed out for hours, buying meals for families, sharing the story of Jesus, and loving the people living on the streets of calcutta. one of the girls met an older man that she continued to visit during the rest of our time in calcutta, even stopping by his part of the sidewalk two weeks later when we were flying out of calcutta.

we also had the chance to visit Freeset - an organization for women out of prostitution that makes jute bags and fair trade t-shirts. it was AWESOME. Freeset is located right in the middle of one of the main red light districts. in this area, within a 1 mile radius, 20,000 men come EVERY NIGHT, where there are 10,000 prostitutes. every. night. every single night.
i love this organization because they don't just buy the women out of prostitution, which some organizations do, which consequently just feeds the whole business. instead, they offer to take the women in and give them a paying job, health insurance and counseling. these women often still live in the same room where they once were selling themselves, which is actually awesome because then the girls that haven't left prostitution hear their stories of hope and healing. plus, if the rescued girls left their room, it'd open up room for a new girl to come along, instead, they are extinguishing the problem from the inside. freeset is also looking to set up factories in the villages where many of these girls come from. that way, instead of having to leave their village to find work (which is how many end up in prostitution), work will be offered in their hometown, stopping the problem before it starts!

after our trip to freeset, we went with a couple of the locals on a prayer walk through the khali temple and a nearby red light district. i wasn't prepared for our time of prayer walking through the temple. there is a place in this temple that is designated for sacrificing young children, which they do once a month. yes, this seriously happens. in 2010. one child/month is beheaded. it was a sight i won't soon forget: two wooden guillotines that were small...low enough for a child to stand & place their head on. this is disturbing, i know, but the guillotines were stained red with blood. i felt frozen as i saw it, imagining an innocent child like Jude or Brody being killed and offered to a god that doesn't exist. the temple was packed with individuals and families doing various rituals. i felt overwhelmed with the lostness and falsity of it all. my heart ached for the children that were just holding their parents hands and being led around the temple. my heart broke for these people while i simultaneously felt angry at how they were killing children, at how hardened their hearts were. i was so angry. angry at satan and the playground he had built. this temple is directly next to the kalighat home for the destitute and dying -- it's as if two worlds collide on that street. there were so many emotions to process in those moments but, overall, we all felt led to worship God. we sang worship songs on our own and lifted up the name of God in the middle of the khali temple.

on our last morning in calcutta, we went to a house church that was one of the best churches i've ever visited! they pack into a home, have a loud, authentic worship time, the pastor preaches, asks questions, welcomes questions, and really makes it a discussion and a welcoming conversation. afterwards, they share a meal together. that home is a shining spot in the city of calcutta.
that evening, we left for a 10 hour train ride & 4 hour jeep ride up to darjeeling, india. i wouldn't advise anyone to go to the calcutta train station at 9:00pm at night. it's not the safest i've ever felt. we were quite early, so we found a spot on the floor and sat together. not surprisingly, many of the locals were staring at us, so we decided to make use of the stares. we got out a guitar and our group began singing worship songs on the floor of the train station. before we knew it, there was a HUGE crowd gathered, circling around us. they stayed for a long time, videotaping us, taking pictures and calling their friends over. it was fun to give them an impromptu worship concert!
the train was not exactly "luxurious." there were three "beds" stacked vertically. the train made frequent stops during the 10p-8a ride, and a man walked through each car during the entire ride selling chai and coffee (ie: screaming "COFFEE, CHAI" repeatedly!)

calcutta was one of the highlights of my life. i saw and experienced things i never imagined i would, but i felt God's presence the entire time and had my eyes opened to so many different realities. my heart was broken so many times during our time in this city, i constantly felt bombarded with so many deep emotions, and i had many moments where i felt personally attacked by the enemy. needless to say, i was tired. we had been traveling for a month and a half and i had been leading this intense school for four and a half months, at this point. but, God knew what i needed. God knew EXACTLY what i needed. and it came in the form of Darjeeling, India...